When I Grow Up....

What am I going to be when I grow up? It bewilders me that I am already nearly 30 years old. I can hardly accept it, like there must be some sort of an error. How did this happen? Where did my twenties go? Here I am 29 years old, mother of two, nearly a college graduate, and completely clueless as to how to progress in an intentional way to build my life so that my family lives comfortably and as happily as possible. I want to be able to provide for my girls, not just things but also opportunities. I want to travel and expose them to different parts of the world, different people and places and ways of being. I don't want to struggle or be unhappy as a result of financial strain. I want to have a job that I enjoy and feel gratified by, and I want that job to be as lucrative as possible!

So, what will it be? I find that all I really envision when I am thinking about ways to make money are entrepreneurial in nature. I want to write childrens books or make silly music for children. I want to open a baby boutique, a toy store, a restaurant. I guess that's it, those are the things a fantasize about. And, obviously, I want it to be extremely successful. So, how do I do it? Or DO I do it? Should I try to focus on something "safer", like becoming a manager of an existing baby boutique/toy store/restaurant?

There's also the question of WHERE do I do it (whatever IT is)? If I am going to accept Arizona as my home and feel happy about this being the place where I live my life and raise my girls I will have to make intentional changes. I have been toying with the idea of becoming a teacher so that the girls and I can spend summers in New Jersey. But, does that even make sense? Would we enjoy being away from "home" for such a long stretch? As far as climate, it makes complete sense. There is always a point in mid-summer Arizona that I find myself loathing this God-forsaken place and questioning why it is that I live in this oven. I can barely cope with Arizona summers, let alone enjoy them! If we stay here, I will want to relocate to an area of the Valley that feels more rich in a)character b)community and c)nature. Perhaps closer to the mountains, on the outskirts somewhere. Perhaps some funky area of Phoenix that I don't know about. But not here, in the middle of Mesa, with walls for a view out of every window in my house! I need less walls, more trees.

I guess I just need to keep thinking about it. Keep figuring it all out. I hope that with some planning and some time my life will begin to fall into place a bit better. I look forward to having a bit of a clear idea of what my future will entail and what I need to be doing to create a life for my children to grow up feeling happy and content in. I'm optimistic. And in the meantime, I am happy. Despite my confusion and looking for more of a path or a plan, my life is good!