I did it.

I think I'm still adjusting. I'm still absorbing the reality that I have actually, finally completed my bachelors degree. It is insane to consider how many years ago I began my first college courses. The years that encompass my undergraduate education have been a journey, to say the least. I am so proud of myself. I think it is hard to compare anything in life to the amazing sense of pride, joy, happiness, awe, etc. that motherhood has afforded me, but knowing that extreme of positive emotion helps to put perspective on everything else, I guess. I can say in all honesty that I am so proud of myself. I went through a long phase of feeling ashamed of the academic aspect of myself and my life, I really bottomed-out and had a hard time knowing what to do about it or where to begin or how.... fortunately, time puts space between the hardships and confusing phases in life and takes us to the places where we can see things from a clearer perspective. Fortunately, I wound up in the right place. My journey brought me to the Liberal Studies program, and my degree turned out to suit me perfectly. I am finally a college graduate. I went back to school while I was pregnant with Eila. I began my fall semester when she was two days old, and I completed my spring semester- and my degree- when she was almost nine months old. I went from pre-motherhood grades that put me on academic probation, to post-motherhood grades that earned me invitations to student teach and offers from my professors to be of assistance in my future endeavors. I am thoroughly enjoying the feeling of lightness that has come with the attainment of my degree. I feel happier, more relaxed, more present. I am so proud of myself! I did it!

My mouth is en fuego!

Today I harvested 8 large jalapenos, 4 tiny green chili peppers (still trying to determine what they are), and tons of "sweet million" cherry tomatoes. I decided to pickle the jalapenos for using on nachos or as a condiment. I found Guy Fierri's recipe for pickled jalapenos & carrots on foodnetwork.com (http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/guys-big-bite-/pickled-jalapenos-and-carrots-recipe/index.html) and since it seemed simple and got great reviews, I used that as the basis but jazzed it up a bit. I added a bunch of whole garlic cloves, a generous amount of black pepper, a dash of salt, and a Tbs or so of honey. It made enough to fill a large Clausen pickle jar, and is now sitting in my refrigerator looking quite tasty.

Creative Writing Assignment

I just finished an assignment (well, part of it...) which required me to compose a creative writing piece inspired by a survey I created for a previous assignment. The survey was about television influencing American values, and it inspired this poem/monologue.



This isn’t South Park. I’m living in The Real World and there’s not enough room in The Hills for everyone. I’m all about the High Society and I’m making my own True Hollywood Story. I’m Keeping Up with the Kardashians and I think I need a Nip/Tuck, somebody call Dr.90210. I’ve only got One Life to Live....there’s got to be 1,000 Ways to Die and the last place I want to be is Six Feet Under. Make Me a Supermodel! I want to be America’s Next Top Model! I want to be on top and I’ve got No Reservations when it comes to What Not to Wear. If I’m not picked to be one of The Models of the Runway, I’ll feel like The Biggest Loser. But I’ll make it, I know I will.... they’ll send me to The City and I’ll bring my Entourage, all my Fly Girls and we’ll show them we know How to Make it in America. And when I’m ready to settle down, I’m gonna be one of the Real Housewives of Orange County, I don’t belong in The Office, I’m no Ugly Betty. I’ll spend my summers at the Jersey Shore and if that falls through, I’ve heard It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Most people think I’m just a regular Girl Next Door but sometimes things can get Pretty Wild.... I hope I don’t wind up Sixteen and Pregnant. Can you just imagine the Gossip, Girl?

Mall Endurance Test: FAIL

Today I decided to boldly go where this mom has not gone for several months..... the mall. I desperately need new jeans and also have recently had the nagging suspician that I am completely devoid of style. I decided that I owe it to myself to update the wardrobe a bit and got motivated to go try on some clothes and come home with some cute stuff.

Going to the mall with a three year old is no easy task. Well, sure, I can GO to the mall- but actually accomplishing any shopping is no easy task at all. In all fairness, I have to give my little girl due credit for being a trooper for the boring trip over to Macy's for a return and then the boring watching Mommy choose and try on jeans... and then the extraordinarily boring paying for said jeans and then (here is where things took a turn for the worst) hopping over to Baby Gap to return some stuff that was bought online....That return process was timely, since a couple of the items were missing their packing slips and were beyond the allowed return period. I try so hard to maintain my composure, to have limitless patience (because the alternative is to lose my patience, which I avoid doing in public!), and to find ways to keep Emma happy and entertained while we are doing things that she finds boring. Eila began to fuss while I stood at the Baby Gap counter, which added to my stress level. Emma kept running to hide from me in the little nooks and crannies of the store, and then decided to hold onto a display rack and spin around it in circles and circles and circles and circles.... until she made me completely dizzy just watching her. I felt tense. We had been to several stores and I had been actively exercising my patience. I am a quiet person who prefers to be anonymous while out and about, but she makes that completely impossible.

After the task of shopping was completed, we went to the mall playground. Eila was asleep in her stroller, so I needed to go and sit with her just outside of the playground at the parent seating area. I briefed Emma on the rules, which included not climbing up the slide- totally standard, a normal rule that she knows she is to follow. The first thing Emma did when she ran into the play area was start to climb up the slide. Several little ones crashed into her. I leaned over the wall and yelled to her several times, and when I finally got her attention I motioned for her to come to me. When she looked right at me and then ignored me and began to climb back up the slide, I reacted. I went into the play area, scooped her up, and we left. She had an absolute freak out. I was mortified, but also completely fed up. I can't take her defiance sometimes! I should not have to repeat myself 10 times in order for her to listen to me. It's unacceptable, and I had to react. I feel disappointed that she didn't get to have a fun time playing. I feel so frustrated, like where has my sweet little Emma gone? She is constantly defiant, argumentative, and just generally unpleasant to be around these days. I really hope this phase is a quick one. She has always been such a good girl, I hardly know how to react when she is deliberately naughty.

When I Grow Up....

What am I going to be when I grow up? It bewilders me that I am already nearly 30 years old. I can hardly accept it, like there must be some sort of an error. How did this happen? Where did my twenties go? Here I am 29 years old, mother of two, nearly a college graduate, and completely clueless as to how to progress in an intentional way to build my life so that my family lives comfortably and as happily as possible. I want to be able to provide for my girls, not just things but also opportunities. I want to travel and expose them to different parts of the world, different people and places and ways of being. I don't want to struggle or be unhappy as a result of financial strain. I want to have a job that I enjoy and feel gratified by, and I want that job to be as lucrative as possible!

So, what will it be? I find that all I really envision when I am thinking about ways to make money are entrepreneurial in nature. I want to write childrens books or make silly music for children. I want to open a baby boutique, a toy store, a restaurant. I guess that's it, those are the things a fantasize about. And, obviously, I want it to be extremely successful. So, how do I do it? Or DO I do it? Should I try to focus on something "safer", like becoming a manager of an existing baby boutique/toy store/restaurant?

There's also the question of WHERE do I do it (whatever IT is)? If I am going to accept Arizona as my home and feel happy about this being the place where I live my life and raise my girls I will have to make intentional changes. I have been toying with the idea of becoming a teacher so that the girls and I can spend summers in New Jersey. But, does that even make sense? Would we enjoy being away from "home" for such a long stretch? As far as climate, it makes complete sense. There is always a point in mid-summer Arizona that I find myself loathing this God-forsaken place and questioning why it is that I live in this oven. I can barely cope with Arizona summers, let alone enjoy them! If we stay here, I will want to relocate to an area of the Valley that feels more rich in a)character b)community and c)nature. Perhaps closer to the mountains, on the outskirts somewhere. Perhaps some funky area of Phoenix that I don't know about. But not here, in the middle of Mesa, with walls for a view out of every window in my house! I need less walls, more trees.

I guess I just need to keep thinking about it. Keep figuring it all out. I hope that with some planning and some time my life will begin to fall into place a bit better. I look forward to having a bit of a clear idea of what my future will entail and what I need to be doing to create a life for my children to grow up feeling happy and content in. I'm optimistic. And in the meantime, I am happy. Despite my confusion and looking for more of a path or a plan, my life is good!

WFD 03.02.10

Whats For Dinner?

Tacos!
1/2 small onion, diced
1 bag Morningstar Farms ground crumbles
1/2 package taco seasoning
1 tomato, diced
1 bag shredded lettuce
1 avocado
garlic salt
pepper
grated colby jack cheese
sour cream
taco shells
salsa

-Saute onion until translucent. Add crumbles & cook a few minutes. Add taco seasoning & mix well (you may need to add a small amount of water to loosen up the seasoning).
-Meanwhile, mash avocado with generous amount of garlic salt & pepper to make a quick guacamole. Add a splash of lime juice if you have a lime, but it's not crucial.
-Heat taco shells according to package directions just before serving
-Put out dishes with all of the items- cheese, tomato, lettuce, avocado, sour cream, salsa, taco "meat, taco shells- and let everyone build their own tacos at the table.

I served this with fruit salad (blueberries, kiwis, apples, and grapes), and it was a yummy dinner!

I Can Make Ice Cream!

It's like a dream come true, really.  I can't imagine how many times I have said "I want an ice cream maker" over the years.... for some reason I didn't think I was capable of making something as delicious as Ben & Jerry could... but I am!  In our freezer at the moment we have Scharffen-Berger dark chocolate ice cream with green mint chips.  It's insane.  Before that was peanut butter ice cream with a chocolate swirl and mini peanut butter cups.  Yeah.  I'm constantly thinking about what flavors I'd like to try.... I have a million ideas.  I wish I had more friends nearby to share the love with!  Here is a picture of the first batch that Emma and I made: pink vanilla ice cream with mini-chocolate chips!